Law and Order: Birthday Party Unit

There should be a special place in hell for people who commit the especially heinous offense of ruining your birthday party.

My earliest birthday memory is the party during which my cousin Craig pushed me down our back stairs.

I don’t remember ever speaking to him again. Cousin Craig and his family moved away a few years later, so he crystallized in my memory as the little demon who pushed me down the stairs at my own birthday party. He is nothing more, nothing less.

My Mom sometimes tries to tell me what the adult cousin Craig is doing now, but adult, wife-marrying, kid-fathering cousin Craig is a phantom. Whenever she brings him up, I just say: “you mean, the kid who pushed me down the stairs at my birthday party?”

Then she argues with me about the veracity of my memory.

Mom may have said adult cousin Craig is a lawyer, but I can’t be sure since I don’t give a shit. But it figures he’d be a lawyer.

Because he’s a jerk.

Who pushes little girls down stairs.

At their own birthday parties.

My Mom claims ignorance of this incident. She might have a vague recollection of my falling down the stairs at one of my parties, clumsy me, but doesn’t remember that cousin Craig clearly “helped” me down to the hard concrete.

All I know is this:

One minute I was a step away from grabbing the back door handle to go inside, the next minute cousin Craig was crowding me on the stairs, and I ended up unceremoniously deposited onto the concrete slab three stairs down. Cousin Craig was smiling. Cousin Craig is the epitome of evil.

Open and shut case, he had means, motive and opportunity. He had been standing inches from me, trying to get to the same place I was going and pushing past me to get there first. And he was clearly jealous because it was my party.

But even with my sharp eye-witness testimony, and my brilliant summation of the facts, the perp got off scot-free.

What else happened at this party? Was this the year the “Dream Whip” frosting finally switched from a pink tint to my beloved green? What did I get? Hell if I know. What is burned into my brain is cousin Craig’s feigned innocence, his smug lack of remorse, the very literal pain in my ass, and the angry tears about crashing down the stairs to the pavement.

Just look at him…

Clearly a criminal master mind.

My Mom will likely have a cow when she read this. “What if he finds this?”

I say let him find it. This is my own brand of vigilante justice, just like the resolution of every episode of “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” (elite squad my ass, they’re always letting the victim commit suicide or missing the clear signs that the victim or one of their loved ones is going to shoot the perp, often at the police station) in which they can’t get the bad guy.

Maybe he’ll apologize, the twerp.


I wrote this post in response to this week’s writing prompt from Studio 30 Plus, which was: “Your earliest memory of your own birthday party.”

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12 Responses to “Law and Order: Birthday Party Unit”

  1. Roxanne
    Friday, July 22, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

    Look at those devilish little eyes! I hope you get your deserved justice.

    • logyexpress
      Saturday, July 23, 2011 at 9:42 am #

      Thanks, Roxanne! I’m guessing I’ll never see him again, but it felt good to get it out. Plus, it gave me another excuse to use one of my old photos (photo digitization was one of my big 2011 projects).

  2. curlygeek04
    Saturday, July 23, 2011 at 9:05 am #

    I hope he does read this! Of course he probably has no memory of this life-scarring event. I object to your lawyer comment, by the way…

    • logyexpress
      Saturday, July 23, 2011 at 9:44 am #

      I’m sure he’s convinced himself I was trying to frame him (if he remembers at all). Men!

      I actually thought of you when I typed the lawyer part…but you’re not a practicing lawyer, so you’ve redeemed yourself! I’ll shut up now before I dig myself deeper.

  3. Bernadette
    Sunday, July 24, 2011 at 12:28 am #

    my first visit, loved this ..hilarious :)

    • logyexpress
      Sunday, July 24, 2011 at 10:11 pm #

      Thanks for visiting, I’m glad you liked the post. I’m going to check out your blog tomorrow!

  4. Katie
    Sunday, July 24, 2011 at 2:59 pm #

    The little jerk! It’s an open and shut case, obviously. You were the victim in this situation, and maybe he will one day find this and give you the apology you deserve. Hehe…seriously, great story.

    • logyexpress
      Sunday, July 24, 2011 at 10:13 pm #

      Thanks, Katie! There were all these pictures of me and cousin Craig in the stash my Mom brought me when I did my digitization project and I was like … “huh”? All I remember is you pushing me down the stairs, buddy! Memories are weird.

  5. Let Me Start By Saying
    Wednesday, February 29, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

    Your vengeance is justified, for sure. That shady character stole your happy birthday memories.
    And if he does find this post? Pretty please tell me so I can hear him plead his (futile) case.

    • logyexpress
      Wednesday, February 29, 2012 at 9:24 pm #

      My Mom recently re-connected with her cousin (Craig’s Dad). I thought she should have brought this up, but no dice.

  6. Kelley
    Monday, March 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm #

    This cracked me up! With your funny wording, I’m fairly certain you could be a lawyer and a better one than mean old Craig! (Thanks for linking up with #findingthefunny last week!)


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