I told myself a relationship with this guy was risk-free practice since he already had a girlfriend (long-distance, “agreed to see other people,” blah, blah, blah). I was sick of the lateness of my blooming, I needed to get my mind off of an unrequited love interest, and this guy’s attention was intoxicating. These are shitty reasons to date someone. I can admit I was a hypocrite (neither of us were in it “for the right reasons”).
But just because I was a hypocrite doesn’t mean my ex wasn’t a douche.
I was naive. But it didn’t seem possible that he could just want me for sex, especially since he wasn’t getting any. Even looking back on it, I’m still amazed by his patience and persistence. Good for you, buddy. You had a goal, and you went after it with single-minded determination. I over-analyzed everything he said to me, searching for deep meaning that wasn’t there. I didn’t understand the male mind…yet. How could I have known so little rattled around in there?
The good news? You don’t need to date a douche to learn what you need to know about men. Just read my Man-English Dictionary.
I’m not saying men aren’t capable of love and commitment. I’m saying even then they’re still thinking about banging you 97 percent of the time. The other 3 percent of the time they’re thinking about food or banging Kate Winslet (exact percentages and celebrity fantasies may vary).
Here are some phrases in “man-speak” and their English translations. If you have more to add, please share in the comments because I’m finding this very amusing.
|“You’re too smart to play games with.”||“I wonder how difficult it will be to get you to sleep with me.”|
|“You’re gorgeous/irresistible/important to me/I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”||“I want to have sex with you.”|
|“I find you intriguing.”||“Challenge accepted.”|
|“I want to get to know you better…see where this leads.”||“Vagina or bust.”|
|“If I wanted to be with her, I would be.”||“I’m taking a break from my girlfriend because I want to have sex with other women before settling down.”|
|“I’m not in this for sex.”||“I’m also willing to spend time with you doing things that could reasonably lead to sex, or having an occasional meal if you pay.”|
|“Don’t be afraid to let your guard down. You don’t have to be so strong all the time.”||“Seriously, let your guard down. This will only take a minute.”|
|“I’ve never had a problem with commitment.”||“I’m totally committed to having sex with everyone I’m simultaneously dating.”|
|“I’ve never had a one night stand.”||“I’m interested in having sex with you the entire time I’m apart from my girlfriend.”|
|“You seem to be holding back emotionally, the last seven or eight girls I’ve dated told me they loved me within a month.”||“Does using the word love in any context help? Also, 8 of 9 girlfriends
|“I’m not secure in how you feel about me.”||“I’m pretending to be emotionally vulnerable to see if you’ll reassure me with sex.”|
|“You can let go of your morals and no one will know.”||“I’ve run out of things to say to convince you to have sex.”|
|“Whatever is between us will likely be forcibly reduced to a strong friendship next year.”||“I’m moving in with my girlfriend next year, but plan to keep pursuing you sexually until then and want to assuage my guilt by pretending to be clear about my intentions.”|
|“We will always be friends.”||“Once having sex with you is no longer a possibility, you will never hear from me again, until the check I wrote to repay the money you lent me bounces.”|
The pinnacle of my ex’s douchiness came during his rehearsed “letting me down easy” speech. We took a walk around campus late one evening right before the end of the semester and he offered, “if you want someone to notice you, get him to see you in the moonlight.”
It was the night of a new moon. I shit you not.
What a douche.
For the record, he still owes me $105. And I want it.
For auditory learners, here is what men want: