I’ve written about my awkward first kiss before. Except for a brief glimpse, I haven’t written about what happened next. Because what happened next is I was a moron.
I told myself a relationship with this guy was risk-free practice since he already had a girlfriend (long-distance, “agreed to see other people,” blah, blah, blah). I was sick of the lateness of my blooming, I needed to get my mind off of an unrequited love interest, and this guy’s attention was intoxicating. These are shitty reasons to date someone. I can admit I was a hypocrite (neither of us were in it “for the right reasons”).
But just because I was a hypocrite doesn’t mean my ex wasn’t a douche.
I was naive. But it didn’t seem possible that he could just want me for sex, especially since he wasn’t getting any. Even looking back on it, I’m still amazed by his patience and persistence. Good for you, buddy. You had a goal, and you went after it with single-minded determination. I over-analyzed everything he said to me, searching for deep meaning that wasn’t there. I didn’t understand the male mind…yet. How could I have known so little rattled around in there?
The good news? You don’t need to date a douche to learn what you need to know about men. Just read my Man-English Dictionary.
I’m not saying men aren’t capable of love and commitment. I’m saying even then they’re still thinking about banging you 97 percent of the time. The other 3 percent of the time they’re thinking about food or banging Kate Winslet (exact percentages and celebrity fantasies may vary).
Here are some phrases in “man-speak” and their English translations. If you have more to add, please share in the comments because I’m finding this very amusing.
| MAN | ENGLISH |
| “You’re too smart to play games with.” | “I wonder how difficult it will be to get you to sleep with me.” |
| “You’re gorgeous/irresistible/important to me/I’ve been thinking about you a lot.” | “I want to have sex with you.” |
| “I find you intriguing.” | “Challenge accepted.” |
| “I want to get to know you better…see where this leads.” | “Vagina or bust.” |
| “If I wanted to be with her, I would be.” | “I’m taking a break from my girlfriend because I want to have sex with other women before settling down.” |
| “I’m not in this for sex.” | “I’m also willing to spend time with you doing things that could reasonably lead to sex, or having an occasional meal if you pay.” |
| “Don’t be afraid to let your guard down. You don’t have to be so strong all the time.” | “Seriously, let your guard down. This will only take a minute.” |
| “I’ve never had a problem with commitment.” | “I’m totally committed to having sex with everyone I’m simultaneously dating.” |
| “I’ve never had a one night stand.” | “I’m interested in having sex with you the entire time I’m apart from my girlfriend.” |
| “You seem to be holding back emotionally, the last seven or eight girls I’ve dated told me they loved me within a month.” | “Does using the word love in any context help? Also, 8 of 9 girlfriends |
| “I’m not secure in how you feel about me.” | “I’m pretending to be emotionally vulnerable to see if you’ll reassure me with sex.” |
| “You can let go of your morals and no one will know.” | “I’ve run out of things to say to convince you to have sex.” |
| “Whatever is between us will likely be forcibly reduced to a strong friendship next year.” | “I’m moving in with my girlfriend next year, but plan to keep pursuing you sexually until then and want to assuage my guilt by pretending to be clear about my intentions.” |
| “We will always be friends.” | “Once having sex with you is no longer a possibility, you will never hear from me again, until the check I wrote to repay the money you lent me bounces.” |
The pinnacle of my ex’s douchiness came during his rehearsed “letting me down easy” speech. We took a walk around campus late one evening right before the end of the semester and he offered, “if you want someone to notice you, get him to see you in the moonlight.”
It was the night of a new moon. I shit you not.
What a douche.
For the record, he still owes me $105. And I want it.
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For auditory learners, here is what men want:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMiKH0ro4Nk
Thanks for the laugh! I think I was a “Challenge accepted.” Hmmm.
Give in, feel the romance.
Hilarious!
I remember hearing “you’re not doing anything tonight, right?” one night in college…and thinking that this guy was hitting on me…but he just wanted me to watch his puppy while he went out and had sex with some other girl. I know this doesn’t fit your theme, but it is the experience that came to mind for me.
Oh dear lord, that is funny! We clearly need multiple volumes for all the subtle nuance of male communication. My douchey ex hit on one of my suitemates the week before I came back from winter break. He later told her “you are someone I’d like as a sister.” Which translates roughly to “I was stupid drunk when I kissed you.” Ouch.
Hilarious! I dated a man who couldn’t believe I wouldn’t sleep with him . . . actually said, “Pleeeeeeaaaaaaaasssee?” Loved this!
Wow, what a guy! Who knows what would have happened if my ex had just actually asked me to have sex. And maybe added a “pretty please, with a cherry on top.” Never hurts to be polite!
So funny! It brings me back to days, well, I’m glad are long behind me. Thanks for stopping by my blog
earlier today, too! 🙂
Ah yes, the long lost days of my innocent, ignorant youth. Gone but not forgotten.
This is hilarious and well told. Douchebag, douche, douchiness I love those words. They tell it like it is. No one will ask what you mean when you say your ex is a douche. I’ve got a couple of ex douches also.
Thanks, Steph! Some friends and I were just saying how we need to bring the word douche back. I’m trying.
OMG this is so funny!! “You can let go of your morals and no one will know.” That line is so compelling it’s breathtaking…I feel my underwear dropping off right now. And the moonlight comment…I’m speechless. What a dumbass.
Dumbass is right. That’s another good word. A horny dumbass. Poor schmuck.
I always loved that “no one will know” line. Uh, how about me?
Oh my God, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry – it’s all so true, and I’d blocked so much of it out! But then I remembered those dumbasses are all still losers while I at least got smart enough not to fall for their bs, so I went ahead and opted for “laugh.” 🙂
LOL! This is so funny…and true! Guys are too easy to read. Anything they say, just assume that sex has something (or everything) to do with it, and you’ll be hitting the nail right on the head!