It rained all day Wednesday. I had to walk home from the metro with only my useless umbrella to protect me. I shouldn’t be alive.
The first time I ever used my umbrella a light breeze blew it inside out and snapped one of the spokes. I’ve been walking around with a 1/8 limp umbrella ever since.
Wednesday night, the zippier-than-usual wind flipped my useless umbrella every few feet. I spent more time trying to fix it than standing under its protection. My pants were soaked up to my hip, the wind blew my hair into my eyes, and I didn’t have enough hands for the umbrella and hair wrangling. I noticed the broken spoke hanging down in front of my face, ominously waiting to take my eye out so I turned the umbrella to get the spoke away from my eyes. At the next gust of wind, I felt a sharp pain on my scalp. Mother fucker punctured my brain.
I held the umbrella over my head like an axe and started slamming it into the pavement as hard as I could. Repeatedly. Umbrella had it coming. I arrived home drenched, dragging a flattened umbrella behind me.
I thought about taking a picture of my sad, smashed, useless umbrella, and using it for Photo Friday, but in lieu of therapy and/or anger management class, I’d like to lighten the mood by sharing a picture of my favorite Christmas tree ornament, Glitter Moose! I found him during college in one of those specialty shops (Natural Surroundings? Nature’s Elements?) selling useful things like stuffed birds that make authentic chirping noises when squeezed, gold-coated pine cones, and adorable Glitter Moose Christmas ornaments.
Worship Glitter Moose before he destroys you. Glitter Moose is awesome. Glitter Moose is plump. Glitter Moose was made in China. Glitter Moose is dead serious about helping you celebrate Christmas, look at those imploring eyes. Glitter Moose is the last thing to go on the tree and I always place him near the top center so I can easily spot him. Glitter Moose gets doubly wrapped in tissue paper and then bubble wrap and put away separately from the other ornaments.
Glitter Moose was on our custom-made Christmas card once:
Glitter Moose ages well. Still glittery, after all these years.
Several years ago Dave made my life complete by finding this member of the Glitter Moose family. I may have squealed when I opened mega Glitter Moose.
Do you have a favorite Christmas decoration? How about an umbrella recommendation? Anger management strategy?
I’m linking up with Mama Kat this week. The prompt I chose was to share a favorite Christmas ornament (the rage against my useless umbrella is a bonus!).
I bow to the Glitter Moose. As for anger management, what if you kept Glitter Moose in a special place where you could take him out whenever you’re about to loose it? Maybe he can help you find your happy place.
Nice post! 🙂
Love the idea of Glitter Moose as happy place. Also early retirement.
I love the glitter moose. Perfect. He IS like family.
As far as the rain moment, you know they’d make thhat FABulous in the movies.. yours wasn’t so much like Breakfast at Tiffanys with Audrey in the rain or like Jenn Garner in 13 going on 30, but it COULD be just as spectacular with a super cool soundtrack behind it..
ps.. I would love to see the umbrella.. might be fun to beat it apart as therapy 🙂
Thanks for the glitter moose love! Now you have me thinking of the perfect soundtrack for my umbrella murder…I still have the umbrella sitting on my porch. I need to take a picture.
I want a glitter moose. Our only ornaments are from the dollar store and none have as much character as glitter moose.
I did a quick search for glitter moose google and didn’t see anything close. Now I’m even more panicky about something happening to him. My precious!
I have glitter mooses mom. she is bisque and was from sears 8 or 10 years ago. I ran across your blog because she was dropped, glued back together : ) succesfully, and I was looking for another one.
Good lord, dropping glitter moose is my worst Christmas nightmare. I wrap him in three layers before putting him away and I carry him with one hand on the hanger and the other resting under him for extra support. I’d love to see a picture of your bisque one. Thanks for the comment…sorry I don’t know where to get a new one!
That damn umbrella obviously deserved the violent death you brought upon it. Good for you.
And Glitter Moose is the Glitter Bomb. I may had shed a little tear when I first gazed upon his glitter glory. My favorite ornament is….hmm…well, when I started thinking about it, I decided I just couldn’t quite narrow it down. I’m bad at declaring “favorites” because I think everything is my favorite. I’m annoying that way. I’m gonna go mull over this very troubling questions some more…
Before the umbrella incident, I had put a new “70mph” super umbrella on my Christmas list. I’m tempted to buy it now though because the chances it won’t rain between now and Christmas seem slim and my useless umbrella is now really really useless!
I have so many ornaments I love, but there’s a special excitement for my ridiculous glitter moose.
I almost squealed when I scrolled down to the 2nd Glitter Moose photo! Where did Dave find such a unique gift?
Years ago we needed new Christmas lights (well, we need new lights every year, since that’s the nature of Christmas lights, they never work!) and were checking out Offenbachers, this patio/fireplace/billiards store here that also sells Christmas stuff too. Somehow Dave noticed big Glitter Moose and I didn’t! So he was able to go back alone and get him for me as a surprise. It was a Christmas miracle.
“Mother fucker punctured my brain.” Haha! That cracked me up. Hope your brain is okay. 🙂 Glitter Moose and his Mega cousin are beautiful!
Yeah, mother fucker isn’t exactly in the Christmas spirit. But Glitter Moose brought me back from the edge!
Our family ornament this year is a moose family. But that’s not near as cool as a GLITTER moose! Love it!
I picked up a couple of non-glitter moose moose ornaments too–think Lenox made them. They are cute, but of course, not as great as glitter moose.
Glitter moose is so completely awesome. Rock on.
Umbrella story is funny and I love that you smashed it to pieces. I hope you felt awesome afterwards 🙂 I take my hiking rainjacket shell with me whenever it might rain. Yes, that doesn’t help if you have a purse that can’t take the rain, but I find a hooded rain jacket so much more useful than many umbrellas. Of course, you’d have to get rain pants for your pants problem, but they make those, too. That’s what I found out when I lived in Seattle.
Thank you for saying rock on. I say that all the time and feel validated now.
You know, someone recently told me that expressing anger actually doesn’t help people get over it but I might have to call bullshit on that post-umbrella attack. I laughed after doing it and felt better. Of course, now I am umbrella-less, but whatever.
I have these “squall pants” from Lands End which are pretty much water proof. I love them, but they are insulated and very warm, they are too much commitment for most days. But better rain gear is a good idea. Umbrellas suck.
I love the image of you beating the umbrella into the ground. Well done.
And of course Glitter Moose is adorable. We had a glass moose ornament when I was growing up which was revered in the same way and packed especially carefully.
I don’t know why I felt the need to combine my umbrella story with Glitter Moose, but it just came out that way.
I’m glad you appreciate Glitter Moose. Sometimes I look at him really up close and say, “glittery.” I’m so adult.