I realize this is my second memoir style post in a week. Bear with me…I’m trying a writing exercise, as I have realized since starting this blog that my writing could use some work.
**************************
For my first taste of freedom, the amount of space I’m given is a little confining. A tall person could stretch their arms out and touch a wall on both sides of the room. But all 100 square feet is mine. The best of both worlds, a single in a suite. I’m a very lucky freshman.
I complain grumpily that my hall mates only stop by so often to play my Nintendo and watch my TV, but deep down I know that isn’t true. And I love that my room is often filled with people. With a single, all I need to do for privacy is shut the door, but the room feels so much smaller with the door closed.
This closet-sized room is my haven, and there I have long and intense conversations late into the night with the boy I love. He lives just across the hall and I pine for him long after it’s reasonable to hope for anything beyond friendship.
The people on the hall become a kind of family and the arrival of someone new upsets the balance. I have noticed, of course, that new guy has transferred here and is hanging out with us a lot, but he has not made an impression on me. And now, he wants to walk me home from a party.
I only go to the damn party because I hear her voice. The boy I loved was spending more and more time with her and there was her voice, unmistakable, drifting in from the hallway. So I go to the overcrowded party and immediately regret it. New guy does not want to stay either.
“This party is over.”
He decides to leave the others behind and he takes me on a convoluted path back to my building. He believes I am drunk. I insist, accurately, that I am sober.
“I don’t think you would be talking to me so friendly if you were sober.”
I had never really spoken to him before this night and the experience is strange, unlike any other, but not bad, and we say good night in the hallway. At my room, there’s a message from a friend, who I had planned on visiting anyway. Ironically, he likes her too and we bond over the fact that our unrequited love interests seem to be requiting each other. However, new guy is still in the hallway and thwarts my attempt to cross the hall.
“Can I talk to you?”
We go to my room and he closes the door behind us, which makes me immediately uncomfortable. The room is silent and dark, with only a soft glow from the street lights outside coming in through the window. He stops me from turning on the light (“I like the dark”) and asks if he can sit next to me on my bed. I stare straight forward, focused on the darkness of my open closet, while he throws out line after line, trying to gauge my reactions.
“You can tell a lot about a person from their room.”
I’m apparently “sophisticated,” I apparently “look really nice that night,” and he apparently “never thought he would be in my room talking to me.” That makes two of us.
He eventually deems me “too smart to play games with.” He says that he’s never asked a girl if he can kiss her before. What a coincidence, I’ve never been kissed before!
Conflicting thoughts flood my mind:
I’m not really attracted to him, although he is attractive, and his confidence (he is two years older) and flattery is, well, flattering.
But he’s not the boy I love.
But the boy I love is falling in love with someone else. And I’m sick of never having been kissed. Maybe I should just say yes and get this thing done.
I look over at him, I’m taking too long to respond. I’m indecisive, yet honest.
“I don’t know.”
He takes that as a yes, and my first kiss results. I’m frozen and can’t make myself kiss him back, yet he persists for what seems like forever. I pull away. Somehow it does not end as awkwardly as it could and when he leaves I understand that the door is still open if I change my mind.
When he is gone, I lie on the floor of my room and cry a little. I’m sorry that I let him in here and I think I already know I am going to settle for him.
Did you settle for him? More?
Thanks for stopping by. I loved your post about your childhood bedroom makeover. I commented but couldn’t figure out how to make my name link to me, I’m Tracy in the 3rd comment spot. This was my first attempt at sharing a serious memoir post too. It didn’t turn out to be as scary as I thought!
oh gosh. that was so lovely. I know exactly that feeling and you captured it so well. well done!
Thanks, this was my first attempt at this writing sharing thing, so it was a little nerve wracking.
Your post really resonated with me too.
your words took me back to a time of love obsessions and uncertainty and broken hearts. well done 🙂
That ending line is just stellar. You do a great job of capturing the social needs of college (leave me alone! don’t leave me alone!)
And is there anything more painful than unrequited love?
Awww… you captured the college freshman pining for her love just right! I was that girl too. I settled a few times. ok. More than a few but don’t think I’m a huge slut ok?
Wow. I really want to know how this ends up now. Good job with the hook!
Like the comments before me, you fully captured the feelings so many of us had as young women. The uncertainty, the uncomfortable feeling when you find yourself in a certain situation, and the angst of seeing someone you love with someone else. Well done.
Wonderful! I wanted to “turn the page” and read the next chapter! Keep writing!
Hey Kristen,
Thanks! But you know how it ends!!! I might follow this up. I enjoyed this writing exercise.
College freshman love – or pining after love – takes me right back to those days. Great post!
Drama Mama and Miranda, thanks for asking how it ended up, that is very gratifying. I might write more about it but I think I need a little break from the college nostalgia! Long story short, I did settle for new guy, and the drama of that doomed relationship allowed me to slowly get over the boy I loved. Thankfully, new guy left after one semester opening up other possibilities!
Cristina – thanks for the kind words.
Nancy C – I didn’t have an ending for awhile so thanks for the compliment! Unrequited love sucks and this was long before the wisdom of “He’s Just Not That Into You” was widely available, so I spent way too long holding out hope.
tulpen – no, totally not a slut! At least you weren’t a home wrecker (turned out new guy had a girlfriend from whence he came!)
Leigh Ann – thanks for your thoughtful comments.
Elena – thanks so much. Now the trick is getting back to the present! My nephew started college this year and it has taken me back something fierce.
This was so well-written, I could feel my own heart in my throat, and the last line just broke it right in two.
Wow. This was great. I loved the awkwardness and the realization that you were going to settle. It made me a little sad to think of it, but in the comments, I see that it worked out okay in the end.
Visiting from TRDC
Oh, the unrequited love. I had one of those in college, too. So painful. And now, looking back, so stupid. Sigh.
I really love how you captured the awkwardness and the confusion and the sadness.
Maybe not so much “settling” as a diversionary tactic 😉
Good writing. You caught the emotion so well.
So awkward! I love how well you told it. And my college dorm floor was the same way, like a family. Unrequited love, sigh. Settling for the wrong boy – been there! So relatable. Great job!
oh man, I know this. my heart aches for you curled up in your room knowing you’re going to settle. ugh. thanks for writing this piece from your past and sharing it with us.
Great Job.
Loved it! x