When I tweeted my disappointment at just missing the entry deadline for an ice cream contest, The Suniverse responded by encouraging me to enter the contest she’s running with The Bearded Iris instead. The contest is slightly different in scope. It’s called Craft Whores.

As you may recall, I am not at all crafty. But I do make ice cream. While ice cream didn’t seem like a craft to me, Suniverse said she wanted to see filthy ice cream. So everything’s about to get funky.

I give you: Fifty Shades of Grey Ice Cream with Pearl Necklace Swirl. Made with the finest cream imported from Houston, Texas.

Watermarked because I am so proud.

So for those men out there: the next time the question of what a woman really wants confounds you…when she’s upset with you again because you didn’t give her what she likes…just ask her what she wants, you might get really blown away. What she wants doesn’t cost that much. Of course, sometimes you’re simply not available to give her what she needs. You know she has a sweet tooth, so why not provide her with some ice cream that reminds her of you and is somewhat less foul than the use of ice cream in Fifty Shades of Grey? This ice cream is sure to satisfy her hungry heart.

If you’re not familiar with the ridiculous song I’m making fun of, check out this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne3XojNonEU

Although ZZ Top released this song in 1981, somehow my virgin ears were not defiled by it until recently. So much for my memory of the 80s as a time of innocence, when Madonna managed to shock us while remaining 80 percent clothed just because she writhed around a little and implied she’d had sex before. This song also shattered my image of ZZ Top, which previously had been informed solely by the “Legs” video in which they were the tough, but lovable guardian angels who helped that mousy woman at the shoe store prevail over her oppressors by becoming slutty. Texas rockers with hearts of gold, man.

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UPDATE: The lovely ladies at the Craft Whores contest had to invent a new award category just for my repulsive, yet strangely fascinating entry. This ice cream was named “Most Jizztastic.” That’s my new favorite word.