I finally learned how to tie my shoes this week. With a breakthrough like that in January, there’s no telling what I can do in 2015! I want to strike while the life-long learning iron is hot, and tackle another area of delayed development. I need to learn how to dress myself.

Of course I know how to apply articles of clothing to myself so I don’t leave my house naked. What I don’t know how to do is recognize items that will fit, look good, and still be comfortable (as opposed to just being comfortable, which I easily and often achieve through butterfleece and other elasticized pant options).

Since I hate shopping, a friend of mine recommended an online personal styling company, Stitch Fix. My lovely mother got me a gift card for Christmas so I signed up and filled out their style profile. They smartly have a very low character limit on their “final comments” section. I could have written a book, but there was only room for this: “I have no idea how to dress myself. I like being comfortable, I would wear sweatpants all the time if I could. I can dress pretty casually for work. What I’d like most is to look more put together when seeing friends-but still comfortable.”

I was hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. But either way, it’s a win/win. I don’t have to buy anything I don’t like. Even if I never like anything, I won’t be any worse off than I am now and I will feel oddly gratified by stumping them with my special arrangement of figure flaws (“see, professional stylists can’t find anything that looks good on me either!”)

My first box arrived today and I’m going to share full body photos of myself now. Viewer discretion is advised.

First of all, let’s keep it real (can we keep it real?) with evidence of what I’m usually wearing at home. Add wool socks and waterproof New Balance sneakers and I’m ready to leave the house!

Butterfleece cargo pants, y’all!

For a little flavor of my non-fleece wardrobe…here is what I wore on New Year’s Eve (and the previous New Year’s Eve because my wardrobe is really that lame). Just imagine the jewelry I was too lazy to put on for this re-enactment and the shirt in black because laundry.

On to the Stitch Fix items! First two items up for bid: Collective Concepts Cynthia Graphic Print Mixed Material Tank and Liverpool Tallulah Faux Leather Detail Pants.

Let’s call these pants what they are. They are leggings. I never thought I’d be caught dead in leggings, but they fit pretty well and look kind of nice. I don’t think I’d have the balls to actually wear these though and none of the tops I tried on with these did it for me. Leading me to the tank…while the color and pattern is a good match for my taste, I don’t like the cut. I’m not big on sleeveless (particularly not in winter) and there’s a billowy quality to this which makes it look like I’m trying to hide a pregnancy. And heaven knows, I don’t want anyone to think I look pregnant. 

Stitch Fix didn’t suggest (nor would I!) wearing this together, but this is the best picture I got involving item 3, the Stellan Draped Cardigan.

I didn’t care for the cardigan. I’m relatively long waisted with shorter legs, so I feel like this length engulfs me. Also, my Mom made it known that she hates the stripes. With a passion. Seriously.

Because my self-esteem had to this point in the photo shoot remained in tact, I thought I’d include this picture of the same ensemble at a different, horrifying angle.

In Soviet Union, giant striped sweater wears YOU!

Item number 4 was the Andrew Marc Ren Mesh Shoulder Dress. This dress was super comfy and even though it was sleeveless, I wanted it to work. I tried it on with the cardigan, but not so much. I also tried it on with a jacket I already own, but the length of it was wrong for the dress. Truth be told, I would never wear this. Too cold without sleeves in winter and fabric too heavy for summer (in D.C., there are two seasons: chilly and sticky).

Item number 5 was a malfunction on my part. I’m not a bag person and somehow I neglected to mark bags as an accessory they should avoid sending me. When I first saw the grey (they say it’s blue but it looks grey to me) leather poking out of the tissue paper, I got all excited that they’d sent me a bad ass grey leather jacket. Then I unfolded it and saw it was a massive tote bag.

The good:

• I was pleasantly surprised that all of this stuff fit me. None of it was too small/tight. None of it was too big. When I go shopping I end up exhausting myself trying on multiple sizes of each item without success.
• I found most of the stuff visually appealing in theory (i.e. “on the hanger”).
• All of the stuff in the bad list below seems like it could be easily fixed over time with my feedback.

The bad:

• I had asked to focus most on casual clothes and clothes for going out with friends. The stylist indicated that she tried to keep things casual and that the little black dress was for going out with friends and date nights. We have different definitions of casual!
• Sleeveless.
• Need clothes, not handbags (again, this was my mistake).

The decision:

• I didn’t love any of the items. While I’m infatuated with the leggings, I don’t have anything obvious in my closet to pair them with and the last thing I need is another article of clothing hanging in my closet that I’ll never wear.
• Definitely sending back the bag, dress, cardigan, and tank.
• Waffling about the leggings. I have three business days to decide.