ZZ Top’s Gift to Women

When I tweeted my disappointment at just missing the entry deadline for an ice cream contest, The Suniverse responded by encouraging me to enter the contest she’s running with The Bearded Iris instead. The contest is slightly different in scope. It’s called Craft Whores.

As you may recall, I am not at all crafty. But I do make ice cream. While ice cream didn’t seem like a craft to me, Suniverse said she wanted to see filthy ice cream. So everything’s about to get funky.

I give you: Fifty Shades of Grey Ice Cream with Pearl Necklace Swirl. Made with the finest cream imported from Houston, Texas.

Watermarked because I am so proud.

So for those men out there: the next time the question of what a woman really wants confounds you…when she’s upset with you again because you didn’t give her what she likes…just ask her what she wants, you might get really blown away. What she wants doesn’t cost that much. Of course, sometimes you’re simply not available to give her what she needs. You know she has a sweet tooth, so why not provide her with some ice cream that reminds her of you and is somewhat less foul than the use of ice cream in Fifty Shades of Grey? This ice cream is sure to satisfy her hungry heart.

If you’re not familiar with the ridiculous song I’m making fun of, check out this video:

Although ZZ Top released this song in 1981, somehow my virgin ears were not defiled by it until recently. So much for my memory of the 80s as a time of innocence, when Madonna managed to shock us while remaining 80 percent clothed just because she writhed around a little and implied she’d had sex before. This song also shattered my image of ZZ Top, which previously had been informed solely by the “Legs” video in which they were the tough, but lovable guardian angels who helped that mousy woman at the shoe store prevail over her oppressors by becoming slutty. Texas rockers with hearts of gold, man.


UPDATE: The lovely ladies at the Craft Whores contest had to invent a new award category just for my repulsive, yet strangely fascinating entry. This ice cream was named “Most Jizztastic.” That’s my new favorite word.

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28 Responses to “ZZ Top’s Gift to Women”

  1. Slauditory
    Sunday, September 16, 2012 at 8:54 pm #

    This is so dirty and awesome. Hilarious! Beautiful photography, too.

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Sunday, September 16, 2012 at 9:11 pm #

      Thanks! I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get a good photo of this…I actually laughed out loud when I saw the winning shot. It almost feels like a waste–I mean, what if I never take a picture this good again and this is the subject matter I shot my wad on?

  2. Lady Estrogen
    Sunday, September 16, 2012 at 9:59 pm #

    Wow. I’m disgusting and yet I would TOTALLY eat that.

    Nice job!

    • Lady Estrogen
      Sunday, September 16, 2012 at 10:00 pm #

      **DISGUSTED** hahaha

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Sunday, September 16, 2012 at 11:19 pm #

      Dave and I both ate some tonight (with hot fudge!) and it was pretty tasty.

  3. Anna
    Sunday, September 16, 2012 at 10:08 pm #

    omg this is so funny. dying.

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Sunday, September 16, 2012 at 11:21 pm #

      Thanks! I can’t look at the picture without laughing. It’s just so ridiculous.

  4. nikkiana
    Sunday, September 16, 2012 at 10:55 pm #

    Damnit, now I want some ice cream.

  5. Jill
    Monday, September 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm #

    That. is. awesome. I’ve never been so pleasantly shocked by what you come up with, Tracy! For some reason, I still titter when you drop an f-bomb, or share a strong opinion. Not only was it funny, that picture was perfection.

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Wednesday, September 19, 2012 at 10:51 pm #

      Thanks, Jill! I have a mouth like a sewer in real life. I guess I’ve been subconsciously toning it down here.

  6. Jester Queen
    Monday, September 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm #

    Haha! That’s a grand choice of music. And I love that it’s grey ice cream.

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Wednesday, September 19, 2012 at 10:52 pm #

      I have no idea how ZZ Top got away with that song in 1981.

  7. Suniverse
    Monday, September 17, 2012 at 9:20 pm #

    Honest to god – this is incredible. Truly. I am in love with you for creating this. And the gray-scale photo? GENIUS.

    Thanks so much for entering. You have made my day.

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Wednesday, September 19, 2012 at 10:53 pm #

      I love you too! Thanks for encouraging me to enter the contest.

  8. The Bearded Iris
    Tuesday, September 18, 2012 at 8:17 am #

    That photo of your ice-cream is positively PORNOGRAPHIC! (AND I EFFING LOVE IT.) Way to tie in the ridiculousness that is ZZ Top. And “the finest cream imported from Houston, Texas”? I see what you did there. You’re brilliant. The end.

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Wednesday, September 19, 2012 at 10:55 pm #

      Thanks so much! It is pretty filthy isn’t it? But I blame ZZ Top.

  9. deborah l quinn
    Thursday, September 20, 2012 at 12:42 pm #

    fantastic, but where oh where is the recipe??? does a girl have to supply her own pearl necklace…?

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Thursday, September 20, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

      I’m afraid only the boys of ZZ Top can provide the high-quality key ingredient this dish deserves.

  10. hollow tree ventures
    Thursday, September 20, 2012 at 1:01 pm #

    I can’t decide if I should be grossed out or hungry! Hmm . . . Hungry.

    And I agree with the other comments – the photography is marvelous!

  11. Rebecca Latson
    Sunday, September 23, 2012 at 4:35 pm #

    So, um, did I miss it somewhere – did you mention it and I just skimmed over it. Exactly what is in that particular flavor of ice cream? It looks pretty tasty.

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Monday, September 24, 2012 at 6:13 pm #

      You’re not really going to make me explain the other meaning of pearl necklace are you? I’m still traumatized from having to explain it to my Mom.

      I will say this…no sperm were injured in the making of this ice cream.

  12. curlygeek04
    Sunday, October 7, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    Wow, that photo is impressive. So … realistic. I have to admit I had no idea what ZZ Top was referring to when that song was actually playing. Love that you had to explain it to your mom. Congrats on the award!

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Sunday, October 7, 2012 at 7:01 pm #

      I really have no memory of hearing that song until a few months ago. Maybe I blocked it out.

      My Mom is so proud.

  13. Charlotte
    Friday, October 12, 2012 at 11:29 am #

    When is too early for ice cream? It’s 11:30 in the morning here. Your ice cream photo looks delicious and naughty. I love it a lot :)

    Also, I can’t believe I have never heard this song before. BWUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Friday, October 12, 2012 at 12:40 pm #

      Thanks, I enjoyed making and styling my silly ice cream. It’s past noon now, so I think you can safely get some ice cream. But I would never judge ice cream eating at any time.

      The song apparently had some chart success, but I’m convinced I never heard it because of where I grew up…no way that song was getting played on the radio in my uber-Catholic hometown.


  1. Craft Whores – The Wieners! | The Bearded Iris - Saturday, September 29, 2012

    […] our award for “Most Jizztastic” goes to the Fifty Shades of Grey Ice Cream with Pearl Necklace Swirl by Logy Express. We are simultaneously horrified, fascinated, and oddly, hungry for ice cream by this emission […]

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