May
18
2012
Basic Needs of a Wife

Recently I wrote a post on what I learned from the Duggars about the basic needs of a husband. The source of this knowledge, the Institute in Basic Life Principles, sells the “Seven Basic Needs of a Husband” eight-page pamphlet for two bucks.

But what of a wife’s needs? Well, they have that covered too! Only wives must be a little more high maintenance, because the “Seven Basic Needs of a Wife” take 80 pages to explain and cost $12.99 to receive.

But hey, I’m a wife and I know a little something about my needs. Let me share some of them with you now. I need a husband who will:

1.) Check his damn pockets before throwing shit in the laundry. On the plus side, our guitar picks and loose change (and cell phones) are impeccably clean around here.

I'm keeping everything I find in the dryer. I'm hoping he'll run out of guitar picks.

2.) Not leave peanut butter on the side of the jar. And/or fix the ant problem. I’d be happy with either really. The peanut butter is unfortunately not pictured, because I wiped it off in a huff before remembering this photo project. And even though I haven’t made a peep to Dave about documenting his failure to meet my needs, he’s miraculously stopped leaving peanut butter on the jar. I do have a photo of an ant that got stuck inside our frigging salt shaker last year, if anyone’s interested in that.

3.) Run agreed-to errands in my lifetime. We’ve been paying the fee for this brand new, yet faulty DVR for months. I even placed it near the front door for easier recall. No dice.

4.) Wait for me to actually finish what I’m saying before absent-mindedly asking, “what?” Here’s a charming story: Dave received a pair of ear plugs from our friend JohnBoy at his bachelor party along with the advice, “Sometimes Tracy is going to want to talk to you and sometimes you aren’t going to want to listen.”

5.) Close things he’s opened. The regularly open dishwasher door is a shin-busting accident waiting to happen. I probably should have done a video for this one because there’s no way to capture the majesty of how many doors and drawers Dave can leave open at a time in one picture.

Also, we could never have glass-front cabinets.

6.) Sit on the furniture without deforming it. Seriously, the power of Dave’s ass is beyond my understanding. I have no idea how he makes the cushions do that.

7.) Learn how to distinguish times when I might be receptive to him grabbing my boobs. Or at least won’t try to turn every dish washing experience into a Cialis moment.

Well, that’s seven. So I won’t mention “allowing me to be financially dependent” again. There you go, I’ve just saved you guys $12.99.

Did I miss anything?

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39 Responses to “Basic Needs of a Wife”

  1. Patty Ann Smith Sparano
    Friday, May 18, 2012 at 8:13 am #

    Oh boy, you just opened the Pandora’s Box of wifely complaints by asking if you missed anything.

    Where do I start? How about when they leave empty milk containers in the fridge? I always say that men think the God of Milk automatically re-fills them. Another…not pushing the chair back under the table when dinner service is done because they’re in a mad rush to make sure they get complete control of the tv remote for the evening. And..never putting the damn cordless phone back on the charger!

    Give me 10 seconds…I can think of at least a dozen more!

    • logyexpress
      Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 11:19 pm #

      Dave likes to put empty jars of Nutella back in the pantry. This doesn’t amuse me in the slightest. I control the TV remote though. He now has a habit of getting up considerably earlier than me, I think just so he can watch television. Poor little bunny.

  2. halfempty4now
    Friday, May 18, 2012 at 10:53 am #

    We leave our open peanut butter in the refrigerator. Since it’s natural PB, once you stir up all the oil, it will stay mixed if refrigerated. No ant problems!

    • logyexpress
      Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 11:27 pm #

      You’re blowing my mind. In the fridge, eh? I guess it’s better than trying to seal my house with Cling Wrap.

  3. jenhasapen
    Friday, May 18, 2012 at 12:42 pm #

    I love the comment that came with the earplugs. I can’t imagine how many times George may have wanted a pair. I should probably work on getting him a set for the next holiday. :-)

    • logyexpress
      Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 11:29 pm #

      I’m still holding a little grudge at our friend for making that comment. My father-in-law has some difficulty hearing but it’s from working in very loud conditions for years without any ear protection. But somehow Dave and all his brothers seem to be afflicted with the same hearing issue as if it were hereditary.

  4. paralaxvu
    Friday, May 18, 2012 at 4:24 pm #

    Add microwave door to the leaves-doors-open bit. R is short, I am tall, the microwave is over the stove. Need I say more?

    • logyexpress
      Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 11:30 pm #

      And the oven light! He never turns it off. It’s blinding and positioned in such a way that it burns my retinas while I’m trying to watch TV. Damn him!

  5. Susi
    Friday, May 18, 2012 at 5:25 pm #

    Ha! I loved that! But I want to add a few things. I need him to throw rubbish (garlic peels, other peels and old food packages) in the bin and not leave it on the kitchen desk. I need him to put his dirty laundry in the actual laundry basket, put back chairs under the table and actually throw away the old guitar strings after replace them, instead of leaving them as decorations at the living room table.
    Talking about guitars, I think it’s good they end up in the laundry. When I need one, I know where to go, LOL!

    • logyexpress
      Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 11:31 pm #

      Ah yes, the restringing. Somehow the floor always seems to need restringing as well.

  6. Kathy
    Saturday, May 19, 2012 at 8:59 am #

    lol! I think our hubbies might be related!
    #1 – stuff in his pockets! Have you ever washed a starlight mint candy? The candy disappears in the wash and you’re left with a still perfectly formed plastic wrapper.
    #6 that looks like my sofa! And my hubby never fixes the cushion. He will just sit down on it squished out like that.
    #7 Men must love the sight of women washing dishes!

    • logyexpress
      Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 11:33 pm #

      I washed a ball point pen once. That was fun.

      Do you see how the other cushion is all neat and tidy–that’s where my dainty ass sits. It’s just baffling to me.

  7. Lady Googoogaga
    Sunday, May 20, 2012 at 10:21 pm #

    Great list! I would add use your eyeballs to find things!! Don’t just depend on me to tell you where everything is!

    • logyexpress
      Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 11:35 pm #

      I get so annoyed when he asks me where his crap is…but I’m more annoyed that I can always help him find it. And it’s not because I moved it, I just somehow know where his stuff is…mine-not so much; his-always.

  8. Emily
    Sunday, May 20, 2012 at 11:45 pm #

    It’s nice to know I’m not the only one with the “OMG SHUT THE MOTHER LOVING CUPBOARDS!” need. You did a nice job compiling your list. I had no idea so many of my husband’s annoying habits…er, I mean my needs were so universal.

    • logyexpress
      Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 11:37 pm #

      Yes, it appears I struck a nerve. I probably shouldn’t complain about the kitchen since Dave does the cooking. He’s an excellent cook, but he cannot make anything without opening every drawer and cabinet and using every pot and pan we own.

  9. Pish Posh
    Monday, May 21, 2012 at 2:02 pm #

    So much of this is common to all men. JEEZ the listening thing OMG>

    I had problems with my ex too because I knew he would never ever be able to allow me to be financially dependent, not even when I desperately needed it, not because he couldn’t but because his choices meant that I would have be be the guaranteed breadwinner. Always.

    I don’t know how men deform things like that, couches, pillows. But if I sleep alone in the bed it still looks like a bed in the morning, crawl out and the bed is already practically made. When he slept in the bed it looked like kids had jumped on it and there’d been a drunken bed-tearing apart party.

    His most annoying habits are/were bringing rocks and dirt in the house from his clothes, leaving dirt all over the shower (he does construction), and he would wash dishes but leave them in the sink – not the dishwasher.

    But on a more serious note, one basic need that wasn’t met, that he still doesn’t get, is that he lets his insecurities trump his concern for my happiness.

    Great post :) I hope you will do a video sometime of the damage husbands can do to a home.

    • logyexpress
      Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 11:43 pm #

      Of all the things on my list, the listening thing is the big one. Doesn’t really fit with the amusing minor annoyances. When people don’t listen to me, it makes me mental. Today at the food court, the cashier refused to look at me while she took my order–in fact she wasn’t even standing at the cash register. She was arranging someone else’s order on their tray but clearly expected me to order. It was so disconcerting. She said, “just let me know when you’re ready,” and I couldn’t help but say, “No, you let me know when you’re ready.”

      Dave was embarrassed enough by the boob reference. Not sure he’s ready for video.

  10. Annabelle
    Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

    That really made me laugh. And that is a genuinely impressive number of cabinet doors open. I mean, I used to be bad about that stuff, but even I was never THAT bad!

    • logyexpress
      Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 11:44 pm #

      Sometimes, when it’s particularly bad, I make a big show of closing them, a la Vanna White flipping letters on Wheel of Fortune. He loves that.

  11. http://jesterqueen.com
    Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 10:37 am #

    These are hilarious. I shudder at the sexism behind that show. (I don’t even have cable.) And the real hell of it is that I have a friend who is LDS (somehow, as bombastically agnostic and liberal as I am, I have friends from all walks of life, who range across the political spectrum, and whose religions collectively could destroy world peace before it was ever created) and SHE is horrified by that show, too. The Duggars freak me out. I’ll take your parody any day!!!

    • logyexpress
      Friday, May 25, 2012 at 11:36 pm #

      I had to rescue your comment from spam, the horror! I’m repulsed yet strangely fascinated by the Duggars. I watch the show like I would study any foreign culture. I want one of the girls to escape. I should probably get rid of cable. I’d have more time to write.

  12. Susi
    Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

    Oops, I just realized my computer corrected my spelling. Guitars in the laundry! LOL!!!! Of course I meant guitar picks.. but I suppose you understood that.. hehehe:)

    • logyexpress
      Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 11:45 pm #

      Luckily our washing machine is too small for a guitar.

  13. Amy
    Sunday, May 27, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

    I am very familiar with all these things, except in my house I’m the one doing it.

    • logyexpress
      Wednesday, May 30, 2012 at 10:58 am #

      Ah yes, me too. But of course I left out my faults. If Dave wants to bitch about me, he’ll have to start his own blog :)

    • logyexpress
      Wednesday, May 30, 2012 at 11:14 am #

      But I bet Mike actually enjoys you grabbing his boobs.

  14. Meredith
    Monday, May 28, 2012 at 9:52 am #

    Pretty sure Michelle Duggar would agree with you on the “Check his damn pockets before throwing shit in the laundry” if she got honest…;)

    • logyexpress
      Wednesday, May 30, 2012 at 10:59 am #

      I do watch the show (no point in trying to hide it now!) and every time Jim Bob goes to kiss Michelle, she leans backwards. It’s subtle, but it’s there.

  15. Anna Whitney Luther
    Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    You were one of the most clicked links at last week’s Finding the Funny party. We’re featuring you tomorrow, and I pinned this!

    Anna @ My Life and Kids

    • logyexpress
      Wednesday, May 30, 2012 at 11:04 am #

      Thanks, Anna! I love Finding the Funny. Although I think of all the times I’ve linked up, I’ve been one of the most clicked only when I write about marriage. Hmmmm…I guess all my posts from now on have to be about Dave.

  16. Paige Kellerman
    Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 4:19 pm #

    Loved this. Husband’s pretty good about most of that, but I’m starting to think not checking pockets is a universal man thing. Although, to his credit, he does put in laundry without being asked, so there’s that.

    On the subject of boobs though, why oh why is it always boob grabbing time? He thinks it’s hilarious to do it out in public…really quick though, because no one sees it then…ummm…no.

    Got yourself a new follower. Thanks for the great post!

    • logyexpress
      Wednesday, May 30, 2012 at 11:11 am #

      Welcome Paige! Dave actually does his own laundry, but he often forgets about it so I find all the laundry detritus when I have to move his stuff to load my own laundry (cue the violins). Dave would probably be able to come up with a much longer list about me, but luckily he doesn’t blog.

      What is it with the boobs? I’ve tried grabbing him in retaliation, but of course that doesn’t bother him in the slightest.

      • Paige Kellerman
        Friday, June 1, 2012 at 11:17 am #

        Yep, I’m sure my husband could come up with quite the list himself. I’ve also tried to poke him in retaliation, but it’s not the same, or he looks at me like, “Well, that’s completely inapprop…whatever.

  17. Nicole
    Wednesday, June 13, 2012 at 11:34 am #

    I personally enjoy when I’m talking about something/telling him a story, and he says something completely unrelated, but I’m supposed to believe he’s listening.

    Me: So, today at work, the author that I’m working with completely flipped out on me and now the project is at a standstill. It’s so annoying when they get like that. Now all my deadlines are going to be tight.

    Him: Wow, that dog is OLD!

    Me: Forget it.

    Him: What?! I’m listening to you!!

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Saturday, June 16, 2012 at 5:13 pm #

      See that would be preferable to me…sometimes Dave doesn’t even realize that I spoke at all. I wish I could be that oblivious about sound, it would make my life easier. I always hear everything, even the stuff I wish I could tune out!

      At least your husband is pretending…I applaud his effort to fake it!

  18. countingducks
    Wednesday, June 13, 2012 at 11:39 am #

    This amused me but I found myself increasingly anxious about the health of the ant. Obviously it needs to cut down on the salt or its blood pressure will go to pot, but what about its GPS system. surely it was trying to get somewhere else. Anyway, give it my best wishes.

    • Tracy @LogyExpress
      Thursday, June 21, 2012 at 2:45 pm #

      Dude, you are siding with the ant? I’d give it your regards, but it and the entire shaker full of salt went down the sink (as soon as I was done taking pictures). So far this year, they haven’t infested the kitchen yet, which is good. Because when I see hundreds of ants crawling on my food prep surfaces, it makes me want to set the house on fire. But the mere fact I just typed that they aren’t a problem this year means I’ll come home to an infestation. So I’ll say hi to the ant’s descendants for you.

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